Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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