why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
