I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
