Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
