OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
