Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
