alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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