So gin and wine won't be happening again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
