i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
