i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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