Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
