Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
