Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think i got beer on your cat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize