the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
