The maid of honor just puked.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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