Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
