Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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