is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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