Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
