ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
