you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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