her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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