The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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