But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
