Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
