sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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