I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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