just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
