so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
