We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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