He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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