Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
