mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize