This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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