My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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