I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
