She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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