Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize