seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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