You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize