so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
