I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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