The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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