yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
