I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
