I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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