The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize