Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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