just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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