Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
