Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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