my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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