I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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