She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
