Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
