I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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