just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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