I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize