Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
