I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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