I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
