mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
