3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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